Is it willpower that I’ve lost? Or just the total lack of care perhaps?
I’ve just not been motivated lately. It’s as though this new thing is beginning to fade. I’m not happy about it. It’s pretty obvious that I’ve slipped a bit.
I’ve began to eat bread, rice, and some potatoes again.
It’s not that I’m struggling with willpower to the sight of those foods, but more so a less compelling resistance.
Food is an experience. It should be. But not every day should be a special “occasion” to eat bad stuff. I went on a streak to not eat out at restaurants for lunch. But lately, I’ve been wanting to leave the office for lunch every day just as a time out for myself, and a chance to be in someone else’s company for the hour. But for a while there I was having “me time” in my kitchen crafting some super delicious healthy food. Now it’s like, I’m just too lazy to cook!
I haven’t posted all month. I’ve had a rough month. Very emotional these past few weeks. But I’m sure that I will get better. My most productive hours are after emotional moments. I will get back on the horse and log my efforts once again.
A big part of all of this is my chronic desire for something more. I do feel like I’ve achieved the goal of “fat loss” therefore it’s pretty evident that I’m slacking again. I’m not a lazy person. I don’t watch hours of TV, I don’t waste time in my life by sitting on my butt and complaining about things I didn’t do. I just want more.
I know this is a serious personal problem that I have fought all my life. The internal conflict is that [I know] I shouldn’t feel this way. I know that I need to/should appreciate everything I have and have accomplished….but… Having something to look forward to, having the next “thing” in the future keeps life exciting and gives me something to want to share with others about. I’m not asking God to put me in a situation that makes me experience life at it’s worst just so that I will appreciate what I have now – I just want something permanent – that is mine and I can control just the level of happiness it will bring me. I’m not saying I’m out of things to do.
I find things to do. But sometimes, I wonder if it’s just my way to distracting myself from “the days where I feel completely empty”. I’m not sure what that even means. My personality [disorder, some might say] is an obsessive compulsive personality where I get extremely excited about something and it typically never lasts for too long. Pros of this behavior is that I usually accomplish what I set out to do. Cons would be that now it’s over, deed is done, I feel that emptiness and quickly find the next thing. And doing something else doesn’t mean there is any rational reason behind it, just that I’m done with the other thing and I want to start something else and have something new to obsess over. This behavior leaves me so dissatisfied because there is no permanency in it. Like sex, food, and clothes – feels great, tastes great, and looks great, but you wanna try something else next time.
A big change that I want to make happen is to spend more time with my family, my truly loved ones. I want to know more about my husband’s grandmother, Louise. I want to know more about my own parents and their parents. In the end, the only thing we will still have is our family. And we are tied by an incredible bond, that no matter what trials and tribulations we face, at least we still have our family.
I wouldn’t say family time is “normal time”. It definitely doesn’t feel normal. Normal for me would be to wake up early and take my dog out for a walk, or go for a hike, then come home make lunch, clean the house, and walk the dog again, then go to the grocery store, and get stuff for dinner.
But family time would be best described as “comfortable”. I’m being surrounded by just goofy people who want to know what my next adventure is, and what our future plans are.
I snapped a photo of this “Flying Dog” cloud on my drive to Knoxville one day. It was so beautiful, as though God was trying to make me smile. And that he did. Thanks God! You are awesome!