8/17/16 – Shame triggers

Unusual title for a post about fitness! I know, but I really want to talk about it!

So since I had my newest baby last October, I have been feeling a lot of typical emotions post-pregnancy. Emotions on top of  physical stress, anxiety, and exhaustion – that’s a heady mix. That was a rough year for me. I was excited to sort of recover from the first pregnancy at about 6 months of not being able to do as much – and pretty much 3 weeks into making the commitment to my return to health and fitness – I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant already.

My husband and I kind of slapped ourselves in the face, and said a couple of cuss words out loud. Don’t get me wrong, our little girl is the best thing ever, and I wouldn’t change a thing. But it was just too soon. We just became parents, and knew those exhaustive nights are coming back.

That was the downward spiral bit for me. I started getting morning sickness, which prevented me from doing as much of anything I had set out to do. I was hardcore into hot yoga, but I had to quit that because of the heat, it wasn’t recommended for pregnant women. I think I might have just laid around in self-pity a bit. I did go swim more, but not for fitness but because my body just felt so much better floating in water than on land. I frequently reflected on all of my shortcomings. And I realize that I tend to do that a lot.

One of the shame triggers for me was “depending” someone. I relied on my independence for everything. My circumstance at the time was my husband was working 2 hours away, and all of my family lived 5 hours away, and my closest friends were all having their own familial issues.

I hated the idea of asking my employees or my neighbors for help.  I ended up hiring a nanny for my son, with the understanding that she may be my hospital help.

Fortunately, my daughter stayed in until the induction date, and we were able to schedule everything out. However, my mom and dad couldn’t stay to help, but they came for 1 day and left the next, and my husband was off the entire week, but then the nanny kicked in.

I remember crying knowing no one would be able to help me…and then cried even more when I felt ashamed that I actually wasn’t able to help myself.

 

 

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